OEUF! There it is!

Eggs. 

We can be so particular about them.  A fried egg alone has enough variations to quantify it for multiple personality disorder.  Over easy, sunny side up, solid, runny, toad in the hole, etc.  Do they even know who they are anymore?  They’re like Shelley Duvall in ovate form.

Scrambled eggs.  Now that’s a sad evolution if ever there was one.  Not good enough that the incarnation of them most commonly known today is that of a quick no-brainer breakfast, speedily skillet-seared into second-rate solidity.  True, one could be fancy and throw in some cheese, but there’s a greater aesthetic to be achieved.

Or we could talk about “cafeteria eggs”.  Those sad, dehydrated and powdered eggs, later reconstituted with scads of some sort of oil-based, cost-saving, margarine-esque sludge.  I’ll assume most people don’t have a whole lot of powdered egg lurking about their kitchen as their “go-to” oeuf de choix, so I won’t go into a full on preach.  You get the idea. 

We must press on.  We have bigger things to fry (well, scramble, really).

Please, if you ignore everything else I say (you won’t be the first), at least do yourself this one kindness: Reclaim the scrambled egg!

Once again, the French deserve all kudos in this matter.  OF COURSE, the people who gave us omelettes and soufflés would have something to say about the most basic of egg functionality.  Sorry to my Brit friends, but the French got this one on you.

Here’s the deal:  your skillet?  Forget it.  Instead, take a saucepan and grease the bottom and sides of it with butter.  You could use margarine or a smear of oil, but really, if you’re going to be treating yourself to the best damned scrambled eggs ever, then just use butter.  Seriously.  Also, these are not necessarily the quickest of preparation, so if you’re in a hurry it may be advisable to stick with a bowl of cereal for breakfast (or, if my breakfast today was any indication, stick with a lump of Serbian garlic sausage, a Clif bar, and what may have once been a kiwi).

Meanwhile, crack your eggs into a bowl and add half a teaspoon of milk (only!) PER EGG.  Throw in pepper and a pinch of salt.  Beat until blended.  Keep in mind that since you’re not adding a whole lot of extra stuff to it, or whipping it into a preposterous frothy mound, you’ll probably want to use about 3 or 4 eggs per person.

Pour your eggs into the greased saucepan and set over a med-low heat and stir.   

After a minute or so you’ll probably think you’re doing something wrong, as not much will happen.  This means you’re on the right track.  Keep stirring, though.

After a few minutes the eggs start to slowly pull together.  You might have to reduce the heat, or move the pan off the heat, if curds start to form too quickly.

Continue stirring until the eggs have achieved the consistency of a lumpy pudding (appetizing visual, no?), or to whatever degree of solidity you find acceptable.  Take ‘em off the heat.  At this point you could throw in a small pat of butter for additional flavour, or adjust the S&P.

They may look austere, but I promise you they're just being humble.

If I were single I could well imagine myself sitting in my studio apartment on weekends, treating myself to these eggs, as I stare out the window, or flip through a book, or pet one of my 4 cats.  But since I’m married, I…  oh…wait… I stare out the window…

Which reminds me, I need a new book.